Tired of being positive


Universe, I’m tired of being positive. You know sometimes it seems like shit just ain’t working. No matter how positive I am and matter how hard I try, shit just ain’t working out. I say this because I’m tired. I’m depressed because I’m not making a breakthrough. For the past two years my life’s been turned upside down. Nope, scratch that. For the past 12 years, my life has been put through the wringer. I’ve lost everything, multiple times. When I say everything, I mean everything. My home, my income, my savings. I’ve been down to my last so many times it’s ridiculous. Everytime I pick myself up, get it back together, and start to put some money away, some bullshit comes and bam, it’s gone. After so many years of ups and down, you would think I would have given up by now. But nope, I stayed positive, sure that things would work out for me. They would for a while then the Universe would take it all away, leaving me to start from scratch…again.

I’m always the positive one in the bunch; the person others can lean on to have a good word or give good advice. I’m the one who says things are going to get better or think of the good in the situation. Even for myself, I just saying hold on and things will get better. You’re following your dreams and things will work out. The Universe will align things for you. But you know what, I’m tired of being positive and nothing is changing. I’m tired of putting in the work and nothing is working out.

Today, I woke up this morning crying because I can’t take the pressure anymore. For the first time, I let my daughter see me cry. For the first time, I didn’t care anymore. I’m tired of being the strong one and holding it together. I’m tired of holding it in because I don’t want her to see me weak. I’m at my last both mentally and emotionally. I’m in a place where darkness it taking over and I don’t see a way out. I have nothing left to give. To make it worse, my daughter held me and said mommy don’t cry, I’m here, and I couldn’t even look at her. I couldn’t look her in the eye and reassure her that everything is ok. That I’m ok….because I’m not. The pain, hurt, and disappointment has got me in a place and I don’t know if I can move. I just need a break. I’m not asking for much just a break where things better and I can get off this rollercoaster. I’m tired.

I Welcome Advice from People without Kids!


I had a kid later in life, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t around kids. I have nieces and nephews, god kids, and tons of little cousins. There’s literally a kid born in our family every couple of months. For some reason, even when I’m out in public, kids seem to be drawn to me and tell me just about everything. One thing I learned, being surrounded by kids, is if they trust you, they will open up to you. They will tell you about their fears, dreams, and bodily functions. Most of the time, all they want is someone to listen, give them some time, and pay just a little attention to them.

I am an observer by nature. I’m that person who sits back and watches what’s not being said. I watch for clues or gestures. When someone is talking to me, I listen to what they are not saying. I listen to their body language. This has helped me be a great aunt, cousin, and godmother. My young family members felt comfortable coming to me, even though I had no kids of my own. They said I made them feel safe and not judged. That meant so much to me. Even their parents would come to me with concerns about their kids. Not because I was this wonderful parent, but because I was a great listener and observer. I was the person who see the things they didn’t see. I was the person with whom their kids shared their thoughts and they respected me for it. And, I was a kid, so I was a kid of understand how kids think.

As a parent, I don’t know everything about my child, and I never will. I will never say what my child will or won’t do, when they are not with me, because I know kids act differently when they are not with their parents. I know my child will not tell me everything and I will never completely know what is going on with them. This is why I welcome advice from non-parents who spend time with my kids. People who observe things I may miss, because I spend so much time with them, I may overlook small things.  Those small things, may turn out to be big things. I welcome the advice because they may say something that will help me be a better parent. Maybe they have some insight as to why my child may be acting or feeling a certain way. Maybe they struggled with the same thing as a child and have guidance that could help make my life easier.

It takes a village to raise a child and in that village there are childless people. Being childless does not make your opinion invalid. Being childless does not mean you can’t identify problems or issues that arise in children or families. Most childless people I know have parented a child in some way. I will never mark someone’s opinion as invalid because they have not had kids. With any information I am given, I take what I need and leave the rest. As a parent, it is my responsibility to do what is best for my child, and sometimes what is best is to listen to someone who may not be a parent.





20th annual At-Home Dad Convention


Raleigh, NC is hosting the 20th annual At-Home Dad Convention.  To me, this is the coolest thing.  We always hear about stay at-home moms support groups and I think it is great that dads also have some support.

The convention will host dads from all around the world.   The event is at Marbles Kids Museum on September 26th and 27th. Dads will participate in panels, social events, and parenting classes.

Being a stay at-home parent is not all sunny skies and rainbows.  It can be stressful and tiring.  My little sweet pea definitely keeps me on my toes and I would be lying if I said I didn’t get stressed every so often. Everyone needs someone to talk to, to encourage them, and to just listen.  It’s great dads have support and a place to voice their concerns.


Raising Mari


A couple of days ago, I had a conversation with a friend about raising kids.  I have  one year old and I realize I raise her differently than how many of my friends and family raise their kids. My friend doesn’t have kids but wants to in the future.

I was telling her how someone told me I should whip my child to break her from being bad. Now, I have nothing against parents who spank their children as punishment for misbehaving. I cannot tell anyone how to raise their child but I will not whip my one year old, who is just now figuring out the world around her.

When someone says a child needs to broken in by whipping, it makes me think of slavery.  Slave owners used to beat their slaves to break them of bad behaviors. To strip them of their identity so they would become the person Master wanted. To beat them into submission. These scars and “teachings”  are still carried today by many black families.

I refuse to beat my child into submission or to break her spirit.  I will not instill in her if she makes a mistake or tests her boundaries she will be physically harmed by the person who is supposed to protect her. I will not teach her she cannot explore the world around her without fear of punishment. I will not strip her of her identity because she doesn’t do things my way.  Don’t get me wrong, I do discipline when needed but without causing physical harm or fear.

Yes, she can test the boundaries sometimes.  She can be defiant and even mischievous but she is one. She is this little girl in a strange world trying to figure out what she can do.  It is my responsibility, as her mother, to teach, guide, and help her grow.  It is my job to pick her up when she falls, to let her know it is OK to try new things and to make mistakes. Most of all, it is OK for her to express and be who she is.