Since I’ve been out of work my anxiety has been in overload and my motivation has been stuck in park. Usually I write poetry or blog posts, or take pics to motivate me. My dream is to be a travel photographer and blogger. Even though I have turned my life upside down and went all out to make my dreams come true, nothing has materialized.
One of the things that helps take my mind off the world is reading. In the last two months, I’ve read over 30 books. I usually average about 3 to 5 books a week. One thing I’ve noticed is my taste in books have changed. I usually go for romance novels but that hasn’t been satisfying me, so I switched to fantasy and mystery. Mostly books on angels and demons or assassins. When I tell you this has opened up a whole new way of enjoying books for me, man…let me tell ya. Now, I watch a lot of movies and tv shows on the subjects that’s why I gravitate to romance with books. But, reading the books allow me to immerse myself in the world and get more enjoyment out of it.
I know you are wondering where I am going with this and I’m about to tell you. I asked myself, why can’t I treat my life like a book? Why can’t I treat my interests like the books I read? Maybe I’m too focused on the things I’ve always liked and gravitated towards. Maybe it’s time to pick a new interest (book) and see where it takes me. Or just, look at a different genre, like romance with assassins…lol. Yea, I know it may sound crazy, but you know what I’m getting at. Photography will always be my number one love, but maybe I need to explore something else besides nature photography. Maybe it’s time to try a new book. OR, just maybe I’ll start writing the fantasy book I’ve been reading in my head.
Is it time for you to start a new book? Tell me about it.
I stayed too long. I held on because I was afraid of moving on alone. I watched our relationship die a slow and painful death because I didn’t want to be the one to say it was over. I refused to give up on what was already gone.
The fear of being alone and starting over kept me from following my intuition. It kept me from being happy and loving myself. I was depressed, angry, and lonely but I told myself I was happy and in love.
For years I said it would get better. If I only try a little harder or be a little bit more understanding. I blamed myself for not being enough.
Then I woke up one day and decided I didn’t want to be unhappy anymore. I didn’t want to be alone in a relationship that was supposed to be about us, but was all about him. I deserve happiness and love. I deserve someone who is willing to be an active participant in a relationship and not someone who is just there.
It is not easy letting go of someone you love. Someone you have spent years with laughing, joking, and talking about everything. Someone with whom you have a child. Someone you thought would never give up on you.
When I finally made the choice to leave, I felt I could breathe again. I felt happy again. I wasn’t afraid of being alone because I knew I never want to go back to the way things were. I realized I had been alone for years but I didn’t want to admit it.
I don’t know what my future holds. I don’t know if I will love again or if there is a “one” for me. What I do know is I would rather be by myself than be alone in another relationship. I will not ignore my intuition because of fear of the unknown. I will not set my happiness aside to make someone else happy. I am enough just as I am and I surrender to what will be.