Bent but not Broken

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Life has a way of throwing curve balls and every year I get hit with one.

Every year, for the past ten years, I have gotten and lost a job.  It happens around the same time every year. I get these rave reviews, from my boss and other employees, during the year and then get called into the office, to have the awkward conversation, about how they have to let me go.

It’s crazy and frustrating. It’s nerve-racking and depressing. It’s made me question who I am and everything about myself. I’ve spent nights crying and asking myself why is it happening, again.  It is hard starting over every year, with little more than a month’s notice.  Now, because I have a child, it is even more frustrating.

I need a job. Correction, I need an income to feed, house, and clothe my child. For the past decade, I have been looking for a job. Taking anything and everything, no matter how unhappy I was and how much I wished I was doing something else. As long as the next job paid more than the last, I would take it. So what if I was miserable. But now, I am tired of the merry-go-round of my so-called life. I need and want a change.

I have decided to take a year off and follow my dreams. I have always wanted to write and travel. Now that I have a one year old, I want to spend more time with her, instead of her spending nine hours in daycare, five days a week. Because my job ended on such short notice, my funds are very limited, so I won’t be traveling very far. The good thing about loosing my job in the summer is all the free festivals happening in my area every weekend. I can show my daughter different cultures for little to no money.

My dream is to become a full-time  writer and travel the world with my daughter. After all these years of putting my dreams on hold for a job, I am finally going to live them.  This is all I have left. I can’t take just any job anymore. I want to do something I love.  I don’t want to dream anymore.  If I don’t succeed at the end of a year, at least I tried. Right now, that’s all I can do.

Don’t call me a good mother

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A Leaf in Springtime

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Don’t call me a good mother.

For being good somehow means doing all the “right things”. And to be honest, I’m not necessarily all that concerned about doing the “right things”.

I’m more concerned about doing the brave thing. The thing that is needed to be done even when nobody understands. The thing that might raise a few eyebrows. Or even shock some folks. The thing that is contrary to what is popular or trendy. Contrary to opinions, charts and reports. Contrary to what everyone says is right.

For I am more concerned about the man my child will become one day. Even more than my own concern for being rated good.

For you see, I am not merely raising a child. I am raising a new race of man. A father. A husband. A friend. A team mate. A son. A seeker. A world citizen.

And because of that…

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Little Miss Sunshine

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Mommy’s heartbeat!