Feeling Lost

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I don’t know where to start or how to start. Right now it feels as if my life is at a standstill. Actually, it has felt this was for years. I have worked in the pharmaceutical industry for years. I enjoyed it up until six years ago. Now it’s just a job to me. I have always had this feeling that I should and can do more with my life. The problem is I don’t know what I am supposed to be doing.

I had always wanted to be a nurse or so I thought. I went to nursing school twice but never completed. At first, I thought it was because I wasn’t focused or giving it my all. After the second attempt, I realized it was because I didn’t really enjoy the actual day-to-day act. I loved interacting with the people, hearing their stories, sharing stories, and comforting them but not the giving medicine, remembering all the precautions, and side effects. So I gave up on the nursing dream.

I then decided to get a degree in business. I loved learning new ideas and business modules. I enjoyed most of the classes, even the finance classes. Statistics was the devil for me but I got through it with a lot of help. I enjoyed writing papers, doing research, and presentations. Most of my teachers suggested I should get a job as a writer because my papers were so well written. Obtaining a business degree was easy for me. Maybe too easy. I didn’t feel like I was challenged enough.

Finding my purpose in life has been a difficult task for me. It seems as if everything I have tried has not worked out. As the days pass, I am becoming more frustrated. Now I have someone else to think about. Five months ago I gave birth to a beautiful little girl who is my world. Three months ago, while on maternity leave, I lost my job. My little girl is the only thing holding me together because I know I have to do everything in my power to make sure she has everything she needs. Every day I am looking for a job so I can provide for her but nothing has come through. I feel as if I disappointed her. I feel like I let her down. Even though everyday I am looking for a job, I want to have more than a “job”. I want to have a career doing something I love, something at which I am great. I want my daughter to look at me and be proud I am her mom. I want a purpose. Each day I ask myself what is it I want to do. I have no answer. After years of searching, I still cannot answer this question. So I remain lost and feeling like I failed my daughter and myself.